them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.