My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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“I wouldn’t.”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
nice challenge