They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
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Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.