Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
The USS B port
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”