my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective