[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
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does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Care for your back
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”