Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child