Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
this is the most humiliating day of my life
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.