Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.