*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
You Might Also Like
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Look at this
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Are we there yet?…
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK