I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
A ghost story
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Storm Tropical Storm
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything