Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
You Might Also Like
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
The funk soul brother
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS