Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
We’ve come full circle
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.