At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
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“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol