LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
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just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
there’s probably a fee though
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.