Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*