hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.