I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?