My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
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Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
is this meant to deter me
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
this is how life feels
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun