facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
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ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”