So, I got banned from the toy store today…
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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist