FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.