Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
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I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.