Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.