Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud