My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
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Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.