What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses