As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
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So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.