*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
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Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
me refusing to leave twitter
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist