BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
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10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Great Canadian literature.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
A short story of betrayal:
Chemical wingman
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
secret recipe
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
every college guy’s fridge
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree