We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
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I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.