First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
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“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
no refunds
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Trying
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.