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my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.