Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
*weighs self after shaving
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.