Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.