Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Print is alive and well!!!
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”