What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
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KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?