Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
You Might Also Like
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.