Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
she has a point
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.