me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you