She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
me, too, girl. me, too.