ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!