ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
decorating my apartment
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.