“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
You Might Also Like
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.