walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.