I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Called it
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks