I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
You Might Also Like
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*pokes sex life with a stick
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon