Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
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My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Expect the unexporcupine.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.