“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Pringles
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*