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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
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Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
What kind of a cult is this?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.